It has come to my attention that I probably shouldn't have a "favorite" nursing tank top. Anything related to nursing implies that it will immediately be covered in breast milk in pre-digested and post-digested forms.

In general, I think the most depressing day of the week is always the day after I do laundry. For a few hours, everything is clean, and cute, and folded. The first few things to get "decorated" after the wash gets done always make me sad that I can't keep the world in order. After a day or so, it's all covered with spit up and poop, and I stop caring, and it's mostly fine.

Commence Indifference

I was only a couple days late. 

Despite a lifetime of Things Working Out Mostly In My Favor, I have a deep seated fear that the next thing I want will be just beyond my grasp, and this was no exception. It sort of looked like a line, but of course I thought of all the reasons it wasn't really. The test was defective. The line was too light. It's not possible. I'm 35, which one of my clients reminded me "is so old all your kids all get born retarded." It wasn't supposed to be this easy. But here we were in the second month of trying, and as I brushed my teeth the line emerged like one of those 3-D images: first impossible to make out, then impossible to ignore. I padded out to the bedroom where Hubster was still blissfully buried from the day and laid on him like a human blanket. 

"What do you think?" I asked, thrusting the test in front of his nonfunctional eyes. "I think maybe it looks like a positive." 

"That's great, isn't it dear?" he mumbled, almost too quickly.

Then he looked at me. And remembered the girl who immediately followed "yes" with "holy shit" upon engagement, and then could barely speak for a few days afterward. Who's always preparing for the worst, whose mind bubbles over with a million thoughts of all the things that could go wrong when you try to plan on a little happiness. Who loves loves loves her life but lives in a mild state of perpetual fear because now she has something really amazing to lose. And he is patient and kind, that hubster of mine. He rolls with my cat-like propensity for circling and sniffing the future until I trust that it isn't going to make any sudden moves, before I settle in. 

"Ah yes," he sighed, giving me a kiss. "Commence indifference."